DHS warns Americans to be alert for terrorist retaliation

Following the heroic killing of terrorist mastermind Osama bin Laden by US Navy SEALs on Sunday night, Secretary of Homeland Security Janet Napolitano issued the following statement urging Americans to remain vigilant during this time of heightened potential terrorist activity:

My fellow American citizens: The death of Osama bin Laden, arguably the most evil and dangerous man on Earth until just 72 hours ago, has increased the possibility of retaliatory acts by terrorists operating here in the United States. Those who would do us harm have, as you might imagine, a particular hatred of President Obama and may look to strike any targets which relate to him, have his name -- such as many schools around the country, or which they perceive to be of particular importance to the President or his wife. Therefore, in addition to the aforementioned schools, we urge particular caution around golf courses, basketball courts, ultra-expensive hotels, or ESPN studios.

Some of these would-be terrorists have identifying traits. If you see any of these traits, and particularly if you see anyone with more than one of the following characteristics near any of the above-mentioned sites, please call the FBI immediately:

Typical identifying traits of expected terrorists:

  • White male between the ages of 25 and 45
  • NRA sticker, Ron Paul sticker, "Keep the Change" sticker on a pick-up truck
  • Is seen praying in a Protestant church (except for a Lutheran church)
  • Is heard listening to Rush Limbaugh or Fox News
  • Is heard complaining that the security line at the airport is too long or that the machines which show his wife's near-naked body to the TSA screeners seem beyond the pale.

On the other hand, any of these traits would tend to exclude someone from suspicion as a terrorist:

  • Driving a Prius or any other hybrid vehicle
  • Wearing an SEIU or AFSCME t-shirt
  • Ordering food while asking if it is gluten-free, vegan, or organic
  • A member of the Religion of Peace
  • Is heard listening to "A Prairie Home Companion" or "Fresh Air" on NPR

Again, if you see anyone with two of the identifying traits (and none of the exclusionary traits), please call the FBI immediately at 1-800-IAM-SOPC.

If you run across a bearded man praying while facing toward the East who has a ticking device next to him, rest assured that he supports Obamacare and is thus not a threat to our nation. Thank you for your assistance and your support.

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