Falling Into Radical Islam
I spent quite a few hours on the radio last week talking about the Rolling Stone magazine cover glorifying the surviving Boston Bomber, Dzhokhar Tsarnaev.
I talked a lot about the language on the cover, including how passive it was: He "was failed by his family" and "fell into radical Islam"...making it sound like Tsarnaev has no personal responsibility and that others are almost entirely to blame for the murder and destruction he perpetrated.
But over the last few days, I've had an experience which is causing me to reconsider.
Late last week, my wife and I took an afternoon hike in the Rocky Mountain foothills a few miles from our house.
And wouldn't you know it...the one time I looked up to see the view instead of watching the path, I tripped over a log and fell into a big pile of radical Islam.
It smelled quite bad, and I couldn't get all of it off my shoes and my shirt and my hands, and even trying to rinse off a bit in the river didn't get all of the sticky slime off of me.
Like some devious chemical weapon, the radical Islam that I fell into started working quickly.
By the next morning, I had the beginnings of a long beard.
And by that afternoon, I had already married two additional wives, which wasn't easy because apparently even in liberal Boulder, you can't marry a 12-year old.
Over the next few days, I found myself uncontrollably facing east every few hours, and when I got a ticket for not coming to a full stop at an intersection, I told the officer that the blame was obviously with Da Joos. (He gave me the ticket anyway.)
It got really bad: I almost started thinking that Barack Obama had a wise and effective foreign policy with his Middle East apologies and ignoring the nascent Green Revolution in Iran and calling for Israel to return to its 1967 borders, and that Hillary Clinton was a good Secretary of State because she called Syrian President Assad a "reformer" and did such a great job with Benghazi.
By yesterday, I was in such terrible shape that I was actually slightly sad that Helen Thomas, the ancient Wicked Witch of the White House press briefing room who said that "Jews should get the hell out of Palestine," had died.
All because I accidentally fell into some radical Islam!
My wife...my first wife I mean...just wasn't having it anymore. When I told her about the Iranian cleric who ordered that "women have to provide sex to their men anywhere and at anytime," she just said "take me to Paris and we'll talk about it. In the meantime, go empty the dishwasher."
But when my wife realized, from the combination of the beard and the funny smell and the crazy behavior that I had fallen into some radical Islam, she came to my rescue.
First, she showed me some pictures of myself, as a 13-year old boy, at my Bar Mitzvah. My first reaction was "where can I buy a pressure cooker?" but slowly, the images started to penetrate my desperately confused mind and I realized those were pictures of me and my family, celebrating a millennia-old tradition.
Next, she showed me some news stories about Malala, the young Afghani girl shot by the Taliban because she wanted to go to school, and the Norwegian rape victim in Dubai who was sentenced to jail for having unlawful sex and drinking alcohol, and the British Army soldier hacked to death on the streets of London by two Muslim fanatics, and the 19-year old girl stoned to death in the Ukraine for wearing fashionable clothes and participating in a beauty contest...and the 9/11 attacks and the Boston bombing.
With that, the fog had almost completely lifted, and to get me completely back to reality, my wife showed me the most recent Tweet from Heidi Klum, which should bring a smile to every non-radical-Muslim’s face.
So today I have those two extra marriages to get annulled but otherwise I'm back to normal...or whatever normal is for me.
I've asked the National Forest Service to go to the hiking trail and carefully, with hazmat suits, clean up the pile of radical Islam that I fell into so that nobody else has to suffer through the woman-hating, Jew-hating, modernity-hating, anti-intellectual horror that I suffered the last few days, all just from falling into some radical Islam.
You understand, don’t you? It could happen to anyone…right, Dzhokhar?
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